I Refuse To Watch The New Ghostbusters: Here’s My Review Anyway

The 1984 movie Ghostbusters was one of two movies that my father took me to see as a child, I can’t remember the other one because I was only two years old at the time. Needless to say the news that someone has remade Ghostbusters with an all female cast and probably a Beyoncé soundtrack shook me to my core. For this reason, I refuse to watch it. So, based on facts and filling in any gaps with a healthy amount of assumption, here’s my review:

First off, let me point out that my mum and sister are women, I got them both presents for their last few birthdays, so I can’t be sexist. However, I’ve never met a woman Ghostbuster, so the whole idea of four women Ghostbusters is so far off the charts that it might as well be a movie about a time-travelling banana in a hat. Just look at the cast: Melinda McCourtney, Krispen Glover, Cape MacQuinnen and Rhonda Rousey pretending to fight ghosts just like it’s no big deal.

The idea of a woman doing anything other than sewing clothes makes my penis retract into my body because I’m petrified of strength. So when these four women roll up on screen in the movie, I assume they look directly into the camera and say something like “Pablo, you can’t control us” before they dance around to Adele songs and kill ghosts by crossing the streams. As I said, I haven’t seen the movie, so I’m basing this on fact and assumption.

Throughout the movie there is, probably, several references to the time I had trouble getting an erection, as well as jokes based entirely on periods. This is not what the 1984 movie was about. That was a drama that just so happened to have jokes in it. These women have taken my childhood and murdered it with such aplomb, I nearly went to Starbucks without my Trilby.

By the end of the movie, I assume, all the “new Ghostbusters” fight and defeat the female Stay Puft Marshmallow Woman before they sit drinking wine laughing about how I got rejected that time I asked out Jennifer Davies in 8th grade. I assume, the final shot of the movie is the girls in front of a barbecue, burning pictures of Bill Murray, Ivan Reitman, Dan Ackroyd and the black Ghostbuster. I’m personally insulted by this movie and it’s made worse having not even seen all these things I assume are happening.

Overall, I’d say that you shouldn’t see this movie unless you’re a complete dummy who likes dumb stuff and doesn’t drink protein shakes. Don’t forget, I love my mum so I’m not sexist.

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