PM Finds Magic Money Tree, Donates £1bn To Homophobes

UK Prime Minister Theresa May is a trooper. Her spirits have not been dampened by the fact that neither her party, nor her country voted her to be in this position of power. She heroically marches forward ensuring every action she takes pisses off the most amount of people possible. Today, she bravely dug to rock bottom.

“I honestly didn’t think it existed, in fact, I’m almost certain I’ve probably stated that on record somewhere” Theresa speaks of finding the mythical Magic Money Tree. “I was wading through the quagmire that surrounds my home and there it was, the Magic Money Tree, with just enough money to give to a small group of homophobes in order to prop up my shitty government. It’s, quite frankly, a bloody miracle”.

With one fell swoop, Theresa cut down that magic money tree to make sure no Marxists got their hands on it. “I mean, imagine the poor and unwashed found this thing” she spluttered, “I took the £1bn that was growing on the tree and gave it straight to the DUP. It’s much safer in their hands than people who can’t even afford to go to boarding school. ”

In giving the DUP £1bn, Theresa May is looking to use them to upset as many people as possible to make certain that, given the chance, no one will vote for her again. “I attended the Trump University school of politics and it really does give you the framework on how to turn a government into an absolute trainwreck” she snorts through her portcullis fringe. “It’s been exhausting, to be frank. All I want to do is get Brexit negotiated, grab myself a nice cup of cocoa and wade into my quagmire to rest.”.

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