In a flurry of common sense, global police forces announced today that the only legitimate way to report a crime is by public shaming on social media.
“We’ve found crimes are often solved by public mobs” stated David Foibles, Chief of Police “why go through the trouble of a jury of 8 peers when justice can be brought through hundreds of thousands of obsessives on keyboards. It’s a no brainer, really”
This comes after new research papers consistently proving that public shaming leads to effectively eliminating the need for any sort of real laws or fair trials as people are usually guilty of exactly what they’re accused of.
“Your case is made stronger if you can get someone else to comment negatively on the alleged criminal, it doesn’t even have to be relevant to the crime, just something that shows they’re not perfect” said Foibles “However, as long as you can provide at least two fairly well constructed jpegs as evidence of some form of wrongdoing, that’s good enough to convince most people, who am I to argue?” This logic stands strong as doctoring photos and video is notoriously impossible, baffling scientists for years.
Once the accusations are made the police will start to allow a certain degree of public justice, “phoning pizzas to the criminals house, goofy letters, getting them immediately fired from a job so they have no means to support themselves or their family, whatever the public feel comfortable with really. It doesn’t need to have affected you, it’s just satisfying to see your fellow man kicked while they’re down, whether they’ve committed a crime or not. We don’t want to take that satisfaction away from anyone”