Everything I know, I learned from Ghost Dad. Now I’m ill equipped for society

My life as a young  child growing up in London was paved with stories handed down from generation to generation designed to teach us life lessons, putting us in good stead for the world around us. Unfortunately due to a series of technicalities everything I learned in my childhood was all based on a VHS copy of the Bill Cosby movie “Ghost Dad” and now I literally cannot function within a normal society. Here are the lessons I learned:

 1. You can literally be scared out of your own body

I feel like this is the main takeaway from Ghost Dad, to live life in a very cautious manner to avoid being scared out of your own body. I have lived my life almost entirely risk free so as not to be scared out of my own body.

2. You can tell someone that you are the devil and they will flat out believe you

I have tried this several times and it hasn’t worked as yet. Although I think the advice is sound, the specifics are not clear. Telling people I’m the Devil usually results in a cautious look, which is promising, although it’s far from full blown belief.

3.Travelling down a phoneline is entirely possible when you’re angry enough

The Matrix completely misrepresented this method of travel, making it seem like you can travel down a phoneline at will. This is not true, at least, I’m reasonably sure that it can only be done when you’re a ghost and already very angry. Growing up with only a Ghost Dad VHS tape for company is confusing and difficult.

4. What you can touch and what you can’t touch varies depending on an arbitrary factor

As a ghost, sometimes you can pick things up and sometimes you can’t. There is no hard and fast rule for it, the decision is usually dependant on how slapstick the end result is. Its confusing moments like this that leave me ill equipped for a job and friends and human interaction.

 5. Death can be used to help your child through school

Bill Cosby’s character in Ghost Dad helped his son pass a class by helping perform a magic trick. This shows that just because you’re dead, it doesn’t mean you have to abandon your role as a father. However, learning this has caused tension between myself and my own not-so-present dead dad.

6.Becoming a ghost is usually due to bureaucracy

Everyone knows that the afterlife is real and that once you go there, you don’t come back. So, how do ghosts work? Bureaucratic mistakes. This is explained in Ghost Dad quite clearly and removes any further questions about whether ghosts exist.

7. Death is not a barrier. If anything, it’s a strength

Death is not a barrier to the things you aspire to do. In fact it helps you look at what you want and work harder to ensure it happens, even if that means you’re no longer able to communicate or touch things properly.

 

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